Lord of the WHAT! The Fellowship of the String
by LuciusMalfoyRaper
Summary: A wonderful (if I do say so m'self) parody of a timeless story. R for language, and knowing how perverted I am, sexual references.
1. And Now 4 Something Completely Different

Here's a story. For you. To read. A general LOTR parody.

Note: I own nothing, not even the man next door.

**LORD OF THE WHAT?!**

**The Fellowship of the String**

**Chapter One**

**__**

**__**

_One string to rule them all_

_One string to find them_

_One string to bring them all_

_And in the darkness bind them_

_Literally._

**__**

**__**

**__**

**_Dildo Sackins was _**a dirty old hobbit, who would turn one-hundred and eleven years old within the week. During that week, he decided to make a decision. His decision was that he would have a smashing good party, and leave secretly in the middle of it, leave the Shmire and go stay with the elves. This was quite the elaborate plan, one that Dildo was pretty happy with.

But he was not happy now. For many various reasons.

One, the clown that was supposed to be at the party cancelled at the last minute. So Dildo was stuck hiring some crackpot wizerd called Ganflad to do fireworks.

Second, he had invited only half the Shmire, and from the talk in the town, it seemed that the whole population would attend, (more presents!) including the dreaded Bagville-Sackinsses. WHich brings us to the third point.

Since Dildo was leaving, there was talk that he was selling his home, the finest hobbit-hole in all of Hobbitville. The Bagville-Sackinsses thought he owed them something, or perhaps they just wanted a share in his riches, for Dildo was suspected of owning quite some wealth. However, he did not intend to leave anything to his dreaded relatives, but to his nephew Odorf.

This was the fourth thing. He would gladly have taken Odorf with him, but the young lad was still attached to the Shmire, and it would hurt Dildo to say goodbye.

He was interrupted from these thoughts, hwich he had been thinking while brushing his foot hair, by a knock on the door. 'THERES NOBODY HOME!' he cried.

'OH REALLY?! WELL, I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU PEE WEE!!'

'Ganflad,' Dildo muttered. 'I told you I"m not paying you in advance.'

'All right, but can I sit on your porch and smoke a pipe while making rude gestures at hobbit children?'

'It's all right with me,' Dildo.

****

**The night of the party....**

****

Dildo kindly greeted all his guests with a fake smile, as they filed in to the partying-area. Odorf and his bodyguard Bam Gamgee showed up, and were greeted with a genuine smile instead. They were followed by Jolly Brandybuck and Trippin Took, who sat with them at a table and served ale.

Then, they snuck off to the fireworks wagon, bringing into a tent with them the largest of GAndflad's magic tricks.

'It's a giant JOINT!' Trippin cried, and lit it.

'NO IT'S NOT YOU FOOL! It's a FIREWORK.'

'...damn. So JOlly, what would happen if I lit it?'

'That would be a mistake, my friend.'

"Jolly?'

'Yes, Tirp?'

'I think I just made a mistake.-'

BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

::screams of a schoolgirl::

Jolly and trip stood up, admiring their work as the firework took off, and were promtly grabbed by the ears by Ganflad. 'They don't pay me enough for this job. Honestly, I'm not a nanny.'

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Odorf was trying to convince Bam to go dance with Rosie Cashmere. He grabbed the fat hobbit by the arm, and shoved him on the the dancefloor, Bam instantly being thrown into a spirited dance by Rosie. Odorf chuckled, in that weird chuckle of his, sounding suspiciously like Elijah Wood.

For several hours, there was much dancing and festivity, which promptly put itself on hold when Dildo got up to make a speech. 'Good evening, douchebags! I hope you're enjoying the free booze-'

::cheers::

Dildo smiled, putting a hand in his pocket, and behind his back. He held his lucky string. HE went on, 'My dears, it's been a wonderful, horrible, long, short, tall, fat, 111 years. But ...that's about to change. Because I'm getting a bit bored, feeling thin, like jelly smeared over too much bagel. And now, for something completely different."

With a squeeze of the string, he vanished into thin air. Everybody screamed, and a buzz of talk began. Dildo scurried off, laughing to himself about his little joke. HE ran into his hobbit hole, nad began frantically packing. He turned to the fireplace to find Ganflad staring at him, and he jumped. 'OH GAnflad, I didn't see you. I suppose you'll be wanting to know how I pulled that little joke off, eh?'

'No, i just want to get paid for doing the fireworks. Don't get cheap on me, Dildo.'

Dildo sighed. 'Give me a moment. I'll write the check.' As he did that task, Ganflad helped himself to some tea and a ham sandwich. bEtween bites he said, 'So , have you said goodbye to Odorf?'

'Of course, I have. I"m leaving evrything to him.'

'Including your string?'

'What-yes, of course. ANd yet, perhaps that would be a less wise choice, ya know what I'm sayin'?'

Ganflad raised an eyebrow. 'Oh?'

'Well, it's very precious to me. It came to me.'

'Maybe you should give it up. It's only a string.'

'NO! You thief. It's mine...my own....my .....sexxyyy.....'

Ganflad choked on his sandwich. 'Excuse me?!"


	2. Revelations and Orcthink

Here's a story. For you. To read.

Note: I own nothing, not even the man next door. And the Gandy-Sara-Gimli concept belongs to my dear friend Molly, without whom, I would be weevil-less. And also, to Christy, I still have to type up another Draco one-shot I'm working on for you.

**LORD OF THE WHAT?!**

**The Fellowship of the String**

**Chapter Two**

_One string to rule them all_

_One string to find them_

_One string to bring them all_

_And in the darkness bind them_

_Literally._

So on we go!

As Dildo left his home that night, humming to himself a little tune, Ganflad wondered how he was going to walk all the way to Riverdale, and then he went inside.

He sat by the fireplace, examining Dildo's check to see if it was a fraud, and contemplating his attachment to the string. Ganflad smoked his pipe as he muttered to himself. He didn't even hear Odorf coming in beind him. 'My sexxy...' the wizard muttered.

'Come again?' the young hobbit squeaked.

Ganflad jumped and turned. 'Oh, it's just you my lad. I was just-'

'Hopefully not jacking off on my recliner chair.'

'NO! Great Scot and Holy Beans, no! I was just thinking about your uncle's magic string. There's something about it I don't quite trust,' Ganflad said.

'Oh, allright then,' Odorf responded.

'Right, I'm going to go to the public library and do some researcha nd make some photcopies. Be a doll and make some tea for when I come back.'

'I'll expect you in an hour then?'

'Sure, but until I return, beware of the string. Don't show it to anyone, and don't put it on.' Ganflad leaned in, staring Odorf in the eyes pensively. " Keep it hidden, keep it protected.'

Odorf humbly nodded, gave his new freind his hat and staff, as the latter trumped off to the library. After stealing Odorf's car.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

An hour passed and the wizard had not returned.

Two hours.

Three hours.

The next day.

Twenty four hours to the minute. Odorf had not moved from his chair by the fire, not even to go take a whizzie.

Finally, late in the night, Ganflad returned, looking a state indeed. HIs beard and hair matted, his hat askew, and his robes torn.

'Where HAVE you been?!' Odorf got up and dmenaded shrilly. 'I've been up for two days worried SICK. Car gone, no note!...you sicken me!'

'Well, I was on my way back, and driving downtown, when I spotted this new wizarding club, and I met my new lover.'

'LOVER? So here I was, watching over the string, and you've been cavorting with other wizards? WHO WAS IT?'

'Sara,' Ganflad said, in a dreamlike state.

'SARA?'

'Well, his full name is Saruman. But Sara is my pet name for him.'

'Oh god,' Odorf muttered, and rubbed his temples. 'Well, come in. I suppose you must have some news for me.'

'Yes, I do.'

Ganflad shuffled in. 'There's this story that goes like this. A dark lord called Salmon forged in secret a master string, putting into it his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. This is the one string, found after many centuries of being lost to the world. And Salmon wants it back."

'Wants it back?' Odorf gasped. 'But how are you sure this is even _the_ string you speak of?'

'Tie it in a knot.'

'In a knot? But why?'

'Just do it.' Ganflad said. He stood up and paced the floor, his back to Odorf. 'Now, what do you see?'

'Nothing. There is nothing.'

Ganflad sighed in relief.

'Wait.' Odorf said.

'Shit.'

'There is writing. Writing on the string.'

'This is the one string then. It says on it 'One string to rule them all, one string to find them. The first two lines of the poem that tells its story. It is written in the green speech of Canada.'

Odorf gasped. 'Oh no. Not Canada!!!!'

'Yes...CANADA!'

'MOTHER OF PEARL!!! This is the end of the world and oh my god I'm going to die and I haven't even had lunch yet except I"m out of salami and-'

'SHH!' Ganflad hushed him. He picked up his staff and creeped over to the open window. HE reached out and-

'AHHH!!!'

'AHHH!!!'

'AHHHHHHH!!!'

'Bamwise?' Odorf looked to see his dear bodyguard Bam Gamgee.'Rosie Cashmere?'

Rosie fixed her collar.

'Oh my god,' Ganflad muttered. 'This Shmire is full of horny bastards!'

'We're not bastards, we're hobbits!' Bam protested.

'Bamwise Gamgee, what did you hear?'

'I wasn't exactly hearing what you was sayin', sir. If you get my menain'.' Bam blushed.

'I think the question here,' Ganflad corrected, 'is WHY WERE YOU FUCKING IN DILDO'S GARDEN?!'

'OOOOORRRRR,' Odorf added, 'why I'm the only one in this room, who's still a FUCKING VIRGIN!!! ...It's not FAIR!'

'You people,' Ganflad cursed. 'I think we've got matters on our hands bigger than the fact that Odorf's only date is with his five-fingered friends. Don't you realize that we've got to stop the end of the world?'

'What must I do?' Odorf said nobly.

'You must go on a great quest to Canada to destroy the one string. You shall pack up, and head for the Prancing Pony in Bree. Bamwise GAmgee, you shall accompany him. I must go, and ...see Sara. He is the head of my order as well as a hot lover.'

'And what about me?' Rosie asked.

'Do you want to go on the quest?'

Rosie paused. And thought. And pondered. And crossed her arms and tapped her hairy foot. …'Naww.'

Ganflad. :::faces audience::: 'And now for something completely different!'

**The Visit to Sara**

**Dateline: Isenhard, Monday, Morning**

**Ganflad rides in on a pretty pony.**

He rode in through the city gates of Isenhard, passing out of the forest of Fangrown. Through the stone gates, he rode through a small wood of beautiful green trees, blooming at the pinnacle of the blossoming season. Their leafy greens shaded him and his bearer Shadow-xerox as the grey wizard rode up to the Black Tower Orcthink.

The black structure loomed over him, so tall he could not see the top even as he held his hat to his head and squinted upwards in the direction of the noon sun overhead.

His keen ears heard footsteps on yonder, and Ganflad looked in front of him to see a figure draped in robes that shimmered of unspeakable brilliance.

He tipped his hat to his lover Sara, as the latter gracefully walked down a set of black stairs, set into the stone of the tower, and tripping only once on his voluminous robes of many colours.

'Sara!' Ganflad cried joyfully, stepping of his horse. 'How...lovely to see you.'

'My dear Gandalf, you've never looked better.'

'Aww, shucks, you jest, old man. Now, let me come inside and we shall have tea.'

Sara led Ganflad into his not-so-humble abode. The two lovers sat at a coffee table in Sara's office, while lowly orcs served the drinks and party snacks. Sara took a nibble of his cucumber sandwich, and he kicked back on his lawn chair, and he said to Ganflad, 'So, Gandy,' He turned on the radio so he could listen. 'Outrageous...my sex drive.....'

Gandy gave him a disapproving look. 'Really, Sara, I thought Christina Aguilera was more your thing.'

'Really? I personally like Aretha Franklin. Now, Ganflad, my one and only this weekend, tell me, why cometh thee to visiteth moi when thou art on such a busy schedule?'

'I have something very sad to tell you....I'm having an affair.'


	3. The Journey Begins

Here's a story. For you. To read.

Note: I own nothing, not even the man next door. And the Gandy-Sara-Gimli concept belongs to my dear friend Molly.

**LORD OF THE WHAT?!**

**The Fellowship of the String**

**Chapter Three**

**__**

**__**

_

* * *

_

_One string to rule them all_

_One string to find them_

_One string to bring them all_

_And in the darkness bind them_

_Literally._

* * *

**_Chapter Three_**

**_The Journey Begins_**

_Dateline: The Tower of Orcthink. Ganflad has just revealed he is having an affair behind Sara's back._

'I'm having an affair.'

Sara spit out his coffee. 'Snirf?'

'Snirf?' Ganflad gave him a look, as he wiped some coffee off his robes, frowning in disapproval.

'Shut up. YOU'RE HAVING AN _AFFAIR_?!"

'Yes.'

'With WHOM?!'

'...Mimli.'

'Sara choked again. 'Mimli?! YOU LOUSY FUCK! He's, like, a dwarf.'

'Yeah, but...damn, that is one fine ass...and hell, I'm a wizard of the grey rank. I can do whatever Ia feeeel layak.' He dropped into a Clint Eastwood accent.

'Ha! Well, I am no longer Sara the White.'

'Oh really?' Ganflad put his hands on his hips in a testing manner. 'What are ya, then?'

'Sara...of the technicolour dreamcoat!' The rainbow wizard twirled around. 'See how my coat goes whoosh?!'

'That's coo-is that spandex?'

'Dontcha like?'

Ganflad hid the amused expression on his face, while Sara danced around, forgetting about the affair, and the grey wizard danced around answering the question with honesty.

'Well?' the dancing gay wizard asked. 'What do you think?'

'Well, It's fine, for maybe New Year's ...or Jersey City...but this is Middle Earth.'

'YOu don't like it?' Sara's big eyes threatened to well up with tears.

'uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....'

'YOU DUMB ANIMAL! GET OUT OF MY TOWER! I DONT EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I'M GONNA GO GET YOUR HOBBIT SEX TOYS AND TAKE THE STRING ALL FOR MYSELF AND LORD SALMON AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING VERY BAD TO YOU MY PRETTY!!!' Sara roared so loudly only dogs could hear.

'No, Sara, I don't like it,' Ganflad said, 'I will not have you insulting me or my meal ticket midgets. They survive this quest so I can seel them to the freak show at Coney Island.'

'Oh ho ho ho ho HO,' Sara shot back, and drew from his pocket his magik stick (ie, his wand). Ganflad drew his. 'Oh ho,' Sara breathed, 'so this is how it is, you cheating scum.'

'WHat is up your ass?' Ganflad sighed, annoyed.

'I WAS UNTIL YOU FOUND GIMLI YOU FUCKING WHORE! For this you will pay!' And with that, the two wizards began a duel.

It is now probably most appropriate to note that these wizards were quite gay, and also running for Senate in California, looking to join Monsiur Schwarceneger's troupe of 'girly men'. Therefore, what might look like a fierce, sweaty, passionate, and utterly (un) sexy duel to two gay wizards, will to us mortals probably look like a slightly altered performance of Swan Lake.

And now that we have cleared that up we must return to the present.

Sara made a swishy swish swish motion with his wand (a furry pink thing that would not have looked out of place in Carson Kressley's underwear drawer or maybe even Elton John's bedroom ::cough::) and said a fierce magic spell.

Ganflad was sent flying and spinning into the air, screaming like a nancy, as he travelled, until everything went black.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Odorf and his three hobbit companions were making the journey to Shmuckland, the home of the RandyShmucks. 

They began their treacherous journey of perilous perils and dangerous dangers in the woods, a not so very dangerous place.

At daybreak, they stopped for breakfast. They ate some cram, and made some ham sandwiches. The light breakfast was followed by some coffee (naturally, Bam brought a tea pot to prepare it in) and then they had biscuits, which was followed by a traditinal pipe smoking ritual and some foot-hair brushing.

And thus, the little folk finished their breakfast and returned to their merciless road of merciless unmerciful things.

Two hours later, they stopped for second breakfast, a light meal consisted mainly of bread, jam, more coffee, apples, some fruit juice, more smoking, toast, eggs, and sausages. After this they again resumed their journey.

Chaos ensued one hour before dawn, when the little ones were due to have elevenses. This was because they had eaten all their food. And they had no money to spend at the not-so-super maket.

Thus, Odorf began to cry, and would not shut up. He cried until he could no longer cry. And then he would begin to weep. And he would weep until he could no longer weep. And then he would begin to sob. And he would sob until he could sob no more. After which, he began to wail, until Jolly slapped him smartly on the face.

This really hurt him. Not because the slap was painful. But because Odorf was a weenie.

And thus he cried some more.

In fact, he did not stop crying until he realized he had forgotten what he had been wailing hysterically about in the first place.

That, and he and Trip had spotted some mushrooms.

Odorf, Trip, Jolly, and Bam ran over to the mushrooms and began to pick them up hungrily.

Bam bit into one, savouring the aroma of that sweet, delicious fungus that all smart people except hobbits- that all smart people seemed to stray away from.

Trip and Jolly began fighting over a particularly large one, and Odorf sat people sniffing his shroom.

He paused suddenly-mid sniff. The scent was rather familiar. He looked to his left. Trip smelt it too. 'Do you smell that?'

'Yes, Ii-OH BAM! That's nasty!' The latter cried.

'It wasn't me! He who smelt it dealt it!' Bam cried.

'Yeah, Trippin, fool of a hobbit.'

'NO YOU FOOLS!' Odorf cried in exasperation. 'It's not Bam's indigestion we're smelling....well, it could be, but what I mean is, these mushrooms are from a farm....and not just any farm. JOHN BOMBADILL'S FARM!'

Jolly dropped his mushroom. 'Really? No kidding. Let's barge in on him and demand a bath and some food.'

Odorf shrugged. 'Sounds good. Let's go.'

He began to pick up his things, as did his companions.

'Wait,' Trip cried, seeing he'd soon fall behind. 'Let's just get the rest of these mushrooms.'

'Yeah, ok.'

And thus the chapter ends with the hobbits arriving safely at Monsieur Bombadill's farm. They ate, drank, bathed, and were merry. In fact, they even sang a bathing song. And a pipe song. And a beer song.

And then, it was time to go to sleep, if they meant to set out the next day for Brie. John Bombadill told them a bedtime story as the four midgets snuggled together on the floor.

He began a story of what he did that day. '...and after that I had breakfast, and then I made a cake, and walked my dog, and went home, and then I took some Pepto Bismol, you know how it is with an older man's digestion and all, and then I had some heartburn, but oh my, I almost forgot.

'The strangest thing happened this morning while I was getting the paper off my doorstep. _I suppose I was going to fetch it a bit earlier than I normally did, because I saw the deliverer riding up, when normally I missed seeing him at all._

_'And this morning was the strangest. I never knew what my paper hobbit looked like, but I'm sure this wasn't him. A figure dressed in red. Seemed without a face, but riding a pretty pony, came and handed me my paper. The sight of this....red riding hood-' John spat the word hood with disgust. _

_'The sight of this....red rider hood scared me so shiteless, I couldn't even shit my pants, let alone scream. So then, when I least expected anything of this transaction, except maybe to be eaten alive on the spot, he hissed at me the words, 'SHmiiiire .......Sackinsss......'_

_'There be no Sackinses around here. You...you're mistaken,' I said. The pretty pony of the rider snorted at me, and then they left after that dirty animal took a bite out of my petunias.'_

Odorf gasped. 'Not your petunias! That dumb animal!'

John sniffed sadly. 'And my begonias too.'


	4. The Axe Effect

Here's a story. For you. To read.

Note: I own nothing. Not even the man next door.

****

**The Lord of the WHAT?! The Fellowship of the String**

**Chapter Four**

**The Axe Effect**

**

* * *

**

_One string to rule them all_

_One string to find them_

_One string to bring them all_

_And in the darkness bind them._

_Literally._

* * *

**Chapter Four**

**The Axe Effect**

Dateline: Bombadil's

Being the well-groomed one he was, Bam Gamgee stood in the bathroom, in front of the mirror. He ran a comb tthrough the hair on his head and the hair on his feet.

He smiled at his image, sprayed on a little too much deoderant and stepped out. He fellow hobbits had finished both first and second breakfast, and were waiting for him, so they could take leave of Bombadil.

The four mates gracefully walked into the sunrise, with Trip occasionally fixing a wedgie.

_Five Minutes Later....._

Walking behind the group, Jolly noticed something as a breeze came, blowing in his direction.

'What's that smell?' he asked.

'IT WASN"T ME THIS TIME DAMNIT!!!' Trippin threw his stubby arms in the air in frustration.

stares from his companions

'Riiiiiiiiiight.....well,' Jolly took another sniff. 'It smells rather like-' a big goofy grin of euphoria lit up his face, and JOlly gravitated towards Bam, still grinning like a boobie.

'It wasn't me,' Bam began to sweat.

'Oh yes it is,....it's all you baby.....'

'ODORF!!' Bam's voice cracked, as all his companions frinned at him in that sexually frustrated way only Michael Jackson could accurately describe to one such as yourself.

Bam realized what was going on. '...the Axe Effect....' He gasped. '...shit.'

He began running as fast as hit fat legs could carry him, the cooking materials on his bag clinking together loudly, and Odorf, Trip, and Jolly in hot pursuit. The hobbits covered **A WHOLE MILE** that morning, as opposed to the usual ten feet travelled in real time across New Zealand.

After lunch, Bam's deoderant had worn off, and his mates had a slight hangover from inhaling too much of it. They walked through a ornfield on their way, hoping to pick up some free eats.

The one drawback of this collegiate and superexcellentwonderful plan was that the farmer heard them be ohsosneakyandstealthylike and began chasing them, sending his dogs out and swinging a scithe violently.

Being overexcited and possibly very stoned (leave it to Shmire Pipeweed) the four shirmpo's tumbled and fell and rolled and descended down a hill, landing on top of eachother one by one in a heap.

'Hobbit pile,' JOlly muttered.

Odorf let out a fart. JOlly gouched,t rying to squeeze out of the little 'jam'.

He treied to wriggle off of Bam, but could not manage it. 'This would have been really **REALLY** inconvenient had I still be expereincing the Axe Effect, no?'

Bam quietly thanked the gods for their impecable timing.

'Nice job all,' Odorf grumbled as he got up.

'That was on purpose,' Jolly answered, brushing off his vest.

'Oh?'

'Trip tightened his scarf. 'Of course; it was a shortcut.'

'A Shortcut to what, pray tell?'

'Mushrooms.' Trip pointed, and sure enough there were mushrooms growing along the path.

Odorf sighed. 'Oh. Well, make sure you get some extra for me while you're at it,' he said absently. 'I'm going to go sit in a tree and be emo.'

He walked away.

'ODORF YOU CAN NOT LEAVE!!" Trip called. 'YOU'RE ATTACHED TO THINGS!!!" (xPartyMonsterx)

'...well, okay. If you give me a cookie---hold up, bitches.'

Odorf's mates stopped gathering the delicious fungus of shroom, and Bam looked up from the cocoa powder he'd been snorting.

'Ganflad said we're not supposed to walk on the road,' Odorf announced.

'And?' Tirp demanded.

'Well...WE'RE ON A ROAD!'

'Oh....well, who cares what that fucker says?'

Odorf gaped at him.

'I DO!" he roared and stamped his foot. 'NOw come on, let's go hide under a log and...listen to ska music.'

'Oh, so you're a ska kid now?' Trip demanded.

'No. ::tut:: He's a punk rocker, you fool,' Jolly. 'p-u-n-x."

'Whatever, let's just go where he's going,' Bam straightened his ABercrombie vest and followed his leader. JOlly and Trip shrugged and ofllowed suit.

No sooner did the sit under the log, and turn of Odorf's spanking new CD Player, horsehoofs were heard on the road.

They got closer.

And closer.

And suddenly seemed to be entirely too close.

A rider in red dismounted. The hobbits exchanged nervous glances.

Odorf took a shaky breath.

'Who is it?' Bam asked.

'Either Red Riding Hood or Barbra Streisand. I can't decide what's worse.'

Trip nodded in agreement, shuddering at the thought of Barbra Streisand. Odorf put his hand in his pocket and took out the string. (Oogie boogie). ALl this over a shoe tie. Sheesh. He sniffed sadly, but caught a whiff of something familiar.

He gasped.

Axe.

Odorf was struck by it and filled with strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. He felt the sudden urge Poland. He was about to tie the string in a knot, when Bam stopped him, and he fell out of the trance.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...... 

'Well, I'm glad we're on speaking terms,' Ganflad uttered.

'I wouldn't really all it that,' Sara responded coldy.

'Yes, now about my hobbit friends and their string-'

'YOU FUCKER!!!' Sara leapt up from his chair, his technicolour dreamcoat whooshing about in the air. 'All you EVER think about is yourself! All I hear is _Ganflad Ganflad Ganflad! _You think you're so faaabulous! YOu never listen to my hair tips, you never shar you coccaine, and you're always taking my nail file! That's it Ganflad the Beige, off-white, or whatever the fuckshit you are, you goddamnfuckingbitchwhoreslut-you're not fit to shovel shit, and WE. ARE. Throooughghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!'

Sara ran off to his Martha Stewart-ized room to cry, burying his face in his pink Louis Vuitton pillows, and drowning his sorrows in a tub of iccream, altoids, and his new Tiny Tim CD. 'That's it, I"m killing those hobbits and getting that string!'

Meanwhile, Ganflad was promptly arrested for drug possession. He was sent to Azkaban within the hour and thrown into a cell he shared with George Bush.

Geez, can't people ever learn? Crime does pay.....unles you're caught.

And to think, Ganflad had to meet the hobbits at the Skipping Sailour Inn that night.

'Fuck jail,' He spat, sitting down on his cot.

George Bush gave him an amourous look. 'I like your cologne.'

'It's Axe....' Ganflad said absently.

'You wanna have a sleepover?'

'No thanks. I'm not Michael Jackson.'

George grinned. 'And I'm not a little boy.....'

'...o shit....' Ganflad gulped ans tared out the window.

The time spent here was agony. He checked his watch.

'Well....that's six minutes down....'

* * *

Five Days Later.... 

Ganflad had manage to use on of Sara's stolen nail files to file away the bars of the cell window. And yet he could not excape. For the tower of the jail cell was hundreds of yards above the ground, and if Ganflad jumped he would be smashed to a pulp.

He began to give u all hope, when suddenly, a butterfly landed on his nose. He grabbed the orange insect, and whispered words of wisdom into its antenna. He let it go, sure he was to find hope in all this darkness.

Yes. It was dark indeed. After all, it was night. Well....duh....

There was a knock at the cell door. Ganflad turned around....' What do you wa-SARA?!'

'I've come to give you one last chance, Ganflad. I'm going to bail you out.'

Ganflad scoffed and folded his arms. 'NO!!"

Sara groaned, and not in an orgasmic way either. Although that wouldn't have been very pleasant to hear. 'Why?'

'Because I've already devised an escape route. I'm going to take the hard way out.'

Sara tapped his foot on the ground, the Minolo heel clicking in annoyance. 'You are such an inconvenient man to live with.'

'Well, too bad.'

And with that, Ganflad shoved his fat arse through the window and leapt out. A giant duck caught his fall and carried him off to Neverland.....I Mean....Riverdale.

Sara folded his arms. 'So you have chosen....doom.' He sighed.

George Bush looked up at him. 'Wanna have a sleepover?'

'Girl, I know you didn't just- what's that deoderant?....damn!'

* * *


	5. On with the Damn Show Already!

* * *

Here's a story. For you. To read.

Note: I own nothing. Not even the man next door. ALthough I certainly wish I did. Again, the wizard and dwarf triangle concept is based on the work of my dear friend MOllay.

Reviews:

Katie- Fanks. I'm glad you fink I'm clever.

JustPlainDork: Hey dorkus. FAnks for reivews, and since my computer's messed up, here's mine for your story. OMFG THAT"S SO CUTE. You have such distinct style, my dear.

Pasha Toh- Thank you very kindly. I'm quite pleased you think I'm the most brilliant thing.

Mithril Fay- I only live to make you piss yourself.

* * *

**_THE LORD OF THE WHAT?!_**

**_THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE STRING_**

_One string to rule them all_

_One string to find them._

_One string to bring them all_

_And in the darkness bind them._

_Literally._

* * *

_**Chapter Cinq**_

**_On with the damn show already!_**

**_(and a little innuendo)_**

Vell vell vell. It seems ze 'obbits are in ze middle ov novhere. Or are zey?

The four companions had narrowly escaped a first encounter witht he red riders, and fleeing their wrath all afternoon.

It was pouring outside, and the hobbits had narrowly escaped an actual attack from the red riding hoods.

They had been wandering through the woods when came dark, being as quiet as hobbits could be, which the reader can assume...was pretty quiet.

However, they did not feel that way. Every step they took sounded to them like it could wake the dead.

Roaming around a bush, Odorf suddenly stepped on a twig, one which cracked very loudly.

'..shite...' he muttered, as the crack echoed and the hobbitses froze.

'That was a close one,' Trip hissed from three yards behind. 'WOOOOOWHEEE!!!'

evil glares as a red riding hood charges

The hobbits ran away, Bam's pans clinking behind him, and they made for the dock. Odorf tripped over a board on the dock to the river, and nearly lost his shit. The red riding hood charged at him upon its pretty pony, a witchblade ready to stirke.

Luckily, Odorf snapped out of it as Jolly grabbed him by the sleeve, and they leapt onto the dock of a makeshift raft that had by coincidence oh so lucily been at the right place at the right time. Really, Peter Jackson, one would think....

Although it would have been funnier if the hapless Bam had drowned in the Randyswine River, the hobbits made it safely to Tree, the gated village in which was located the Perverted Priest (c) Inn.

The man at the gate stopped them for questioning but let them pass when Trippin threatened to blind him with his BOLLOCKS OF DOOM- those who venture never return.

And thus the hobbits moved through the vilalge, afraid and in awe of the Big Fucks (hobbis, after all, were Little Fucks) who stared down at them malignantly, as if they didn't belong in Tree, which....technically, they did not.

The four companions carefully dodged a speeding wagon, and steered clear of Peter Jackson eating a carrot. You never can know what vegetables could do to some people, after all.

At last, the four rainsoaked little fucks reached their destination, the Perverted Priest. Under a false name, Odorf asked for Ganflad, but Mr. Butterbeer, the manager, said he did not recall seeing the wizard since that time he'd come in in July and gotten completely smashed. Hopeless, the hobbits checked in anyway, and ordered themselves some hot chocolate.

Jolly came over to the table with a large cup.

'Wha's that?' Trip gaped.

'This, my dear fellow, is a gallon.'

'It comes in gallons?! I"m getting one.'

'IT'S GONNA GO RIGHT TO YOUR THIGHS!' Bam called a bit too loudly, and was muffled by the sniggers of all the Big Fucks. Odorf tried to laugh, but was distracted and disturbed when he noted a man in the corner, eyeing him.

'Maybe he thinks I'm hot,'Odorf thought. He noted his own wooly vest, unfashionable pants, hairy feet and pot belly. 'That must be it.' He confirmed.

'That fucker's been nothin' but eyein' us the whole time,' Bam whispered.

Odorf beckoned Buterbeer and asked about the fucker. I mean, the mysterious and ugly-I mean devilishly handsome stranger (glares at Aragorn as he points a gun to her head). (There, satisfied?!)

Butterbeer rubbed his beard, giving a quick glance to the object of the conversation. 'That's one of them park rangers, from Yellwostone, nasty folk they are. But round here, he's known as Schneider.' Butterbeer left.

'Schneider,' Odorf repeated to himself. 'That sounds like a Jewish name, eh Bam?'

''I wouldn't know. I'm Presbytherian.'

'Oh. Right.'

'Yeah, you saw him in Church!' Jolly remarked.

'Right..' Odorf said, and returned to his hot cocoa. He grasped his pocket, the one that held the string.

_Shmiiiiiire......SAckiiiiiins....._

_Sackiiiiiiins...................._

'Sackins? Sure I know a SAckins....' Odorf snapped out of his trance as he heard Trip talk to Butterbeer at the bar. As Trip continued giving out the lethal information, Odorf ran over and smacked, him, but tripped over his own feet and dropped the string. It was already tied in a knot, and when he caught it, he suddenly vanished from sight!

'He's gone!' a man cried.

'No shit, Sherlock,' another responded.

'Where is he?'

'I don't know.'

'I still smell his stink.'

'Nah, man, that's just you...'

Odorf reappeared in the safety of a dark corner and under a chair (yeah, he's THAT small). HE breathed a sigh of relief, but even that was short lived.

He was suddenly grabbed, hearing the words, 'You're a bit too flashy, Monsieur Sackins,' and opened his eyes again, finding himself in a room with Schneider.

'I know what you bear. That is no dolalr store trinket you have. I can make myself unseen, if I wear an invisibilty cloak, but I don't have one, so that sucks for me,' Schneider said. 'By the way, I'm Schneider.'

'Odorf.'

'Right. Well....'he checked his watch. '3...2....1...'

Odorf's three friends burst in, screaming. 'We brought potluck supper!' BAm cried.

'Sweet!' Odorf grinned.

Right on time, Schneider said to himself.

Over a nice turkey dinner, he explained his purpsoe and all about the red riding hoods. 'They became wraiths. They sold their souls to Salmon, after they discovered their mothers didn't love them.'

'How awful,' Trip cried.

'Oh yes. It is. I had a mother once.,' Schneider recalled dreamily. 'She's dead. I am sad. But at least I'm a sex machine.'

'Oh really?' BAm raised an eyebrow.

'I _am,' their new ally protested._

'I dunno...aren't you a bit...'

'A bit WHAT?'

'....greassy?'

'WHAT?! Oh fuck off, you!' Schneider sotod up and yelled. 'Speak for yourself. I bet...I betyou'res till a virgin.'

BAm was aghast. 'Odorf, you said you wouldn't tell anyone.'

'uhh.....'

Schneider sat back down with a rather satisfied smile on his stupid face.

They left the next morning to set off into the wild, on the way to Riverdale. THe ELVEN city, not the one in New York, as Schneider had to clarify to the little fucks a few times too many for his annoyance.

They made camp that night at Weatherbottom. insert Odorf getting stabbed in the ass and Schneider saving him becasue I don't feel like writing it at the moment

Yes.

Oh yes.

In the ass.

Scneider knew it was a blade of the witch-queen, a red riding hood in drag, the one they said no man could kill. ANd thus, the park ranger attempted to get out of there, and on to Riverdale as soon as possible.

However, Odorf's ass began to swell. ANd even though he rather enjoyed the look of a ghetto booty, it was rather painful. So Schendier stopped and went to find some MaryJane in the nearby dope fields and nick some without getting caught.

Naturally,dear reader, you will no by now that in this story, nothing ever goes as planned. ANd bad things only get worse.

So naturally, Schneider was caught. He noticed this when he felt a sword blade at his neck. SLgithly annoyed by this new development in an already inconvenient arrrangement, he looked up into the eyes of Glorfinduck, the elf!

'Hey, man,' the elf said, and the two friends hugged. Glorfinduck put out his joint on a tree trunk. It nearly caught fire but he was too stoned to notice or even care. Giving his park ranger friend a joint, he said it was for Odorf.

* * *

AFter the injured hobbit had smoke the joint, he felt a little better and much less bloated (he was, after all,stoned- it doesn't take muchw ith hobbits, you know) the marijuana still did not elimainate the whole red rider predicament. 

Glorfinduck saddled himself and the hobbit to his perdy elven horse, and rode off into the night. All ngiht they rode, and all morning too. But that was still not fast enough to lose the enemy. Teh enemy inched closer and closer, and the many pounds of horse and zomibe-pony hoofs on the ground was but a painful echo in Odorf's ears as he slipped in and out of consciousness.

At the ford of the river, the enemy caught up, and Glrofinduck was caught in a trap.

Or so it would seem. But then again, this is a very strange story.

* * *

Dateline: Riverdale, some day in October

Our protoganist awoke in Riverdale, rubbing his sore bum as he looked into the eyes of Ganflad who smiled at him tiredly, obviously watching over him throughout the night.

'Morning, Ganflad, do I stil have junk in my turnk?'


	6. The Counsel of HotRod

Here's a story. For you. To read. Again, I own nothing, not even the man next door.

_**The Lord of the WHAT?!**_

_**The Fellowship of the String**_

_One string to rule them all_

_one string to find them_

_one string to bring them all_

_and in the darkness bind them_

_Literally._

_**Chapter Six**_

_**The Counsel of HotRod**_

_When last we left....._

_'Ganflad, do I still have junk in my trunk?'_

'Yes m'boy, I should say you do,' Ganflad said, taking a puff from his joint.

'Where am I?' Odorf sat up as he came to, and noticed he was lying in a very large bed in a very large room in a very large castle in a very large city in a very large country of very large people.

'You are under the care of Queen HotRod, in Riverdale.'

'I"M IN NEW YORK?!...sweet....'

'No, you fool,' Ganflad tutted. 'You are in Riverdale, the elven place, under the care of QUEEEEENNAH HOOTTTTTROOODDDAAAHH!!!' He said slowly, hoping the message would filter through the hobbit's thick skull.

At that moment, Queen HotRod spoke up. 'Welcome to Riverdale.'

Odorf hadn't noticed the elf and looked up at the man who stood before him. 'AHH!!! GANFLAD HELP! ITS ONE OF THE AGENTS!!! #O$&(#!!!! HOLY VIRGIN!! AHHH!!!"

Ganflad blinked. 'Wow, no more Hugo Weaving movies for YOU. Anyshnooze, Hotrod, might I have a bit more Mary-Jane? I'm not stoned enough quite yet.'

'Sure, man,' Hotrod said, taking a drag of his own as he left, pulling his sunglasses over his eyes. The frequent drug use had worsened his astigmatism.

Just then, Bam ran in, most happy to see his friend awake. 'Oh bless you, you're awake. Man, you missed out on some good binge drinking last night!'

'Damn,' Odorf muttered. He noticed Ganflad's disapproving look. 'I mean, I'm glad I wasn't there, because I don't touch alcohol. I am as pure as virgin snow after all, virgin virgin virgin all the way huzzah....so Ganflad! What took you so long?'

'...I was...delayed,' Ganflad said as calmly as he possibly could considering little birds were flying around his head.

'You were stoned.'

'I was de-layed.'

'You were getting laid.'

'...fuck you....' Ganflad muttered and stormed out of the room.

'Drama queen,' Odorf huffed.

'More like drag queen. You should have seen him last night at Hotrod's private bar.'

'I'm rather glad I didn't...now, what about breakfast?' Odorf climbed out of bed.

'Sure, there's a whole lotta big folk waiting to see ye, if you get my meanin', sir...'

'Odorf raised an eyebrow. 'No, not really. I'm beginning to tire of your hackneyed phrases, Bam.'

'Sorry..'

Dateline: HotRod's Balcony

The Counsel of HotRod

Odorf sat next to Ganflad, as many people sat together in a ring, HotRod at the throne.

'Who are they?' he whispered to his wizard guardian.

Ganflad jerked his head to the right, where sat a section of humans.

'Those are the humans. There are the stewards of provinces. And there is the son of the steward of Gonboar. His name is BoringMe. He is a good man, but I fear he may be too influence by a selfish father. Then, there is your ranger friend, Rider. I will speak no more of him.

'There are the dwarves. They are all of noble blood. That on the left is Glowin', and his son....'Here, Ganflad gulped, 'is m-Mimli.'

'Let me guess, he...'

'Shut up. Farthest to the left are the elves. Two are from Riverdale, one is of Chlorien, and the last one-'

'Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmnn.....he's fine. Don't you think he looks so totally like Orlando Bloom?'

Ganflad tilted his head. 'Hmm, that's one way of looking at it. That is Legolass, prince of Smirkwood.'

'Legolass? Is he a lass?'

'No, he just likes them...alot....'

'Sure makes you wish you were straight, don't it, Ganflad?' Odorf smirked.

'Oh fuck up, hobbit breath. That doesn't even make any sense...'

'ANYWAYYYYY,' HotRod stood up, 'as I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted...by the way, we heard everything (:::sniggers:::)- there is the small inconvenience called the ONE STRING. Odorf, would you be so kind as to put it in front of us?'

'Sure man,' Odorf stood up. He hopped over to the stone pedestal in the middle of the ring of people, and put the string on it.

There were many gasps, some of them off cue, considering CERTAIN members of the counsel were still very wasted.

'Can it be? Isilshmur's bane?'

Everybody looked at BoringMe, the source of the whisper.

'BORINGME!' Hotrod cried and stood up.

'Sorry. I was just remarking that we could use it against Salmon instead of destroying it as we all know you mean.'

'Ha!' Cried a dwarf, Glowin. 'You just want it for yourself.'

'No!' cried another human. 'Perhaps Boringme is right. If Salmon can use the string, why can't we?'

'Because, dude,' Rider spoke up, crossing one leg over the other, 'only Salmon has the sheer malice to wield it. We cannot, none of us can. There is only one.'

'and who are you to say so, Ranger?' Borinme spat, disgusted at the contradiciton.

'Dude, no!' Legolass stood up. 'I have put up with days of journeying, hunger, and sexual deprivation to sit here today, and I will not have you insult mah man Arahorn, son of Ara...horny. So...yeah...'

'Umm., thanks man,' Arahorn stood up.

'Arahorn?' Borningme raised an eyebrow. 'Oh well. Gonboar will answer to no king. Be he heir or not to a lost throne that has rightfully gone to the stewards.'

'Do those words come from your mouth or your father's?' Ganflad stood up resting on his staff.

'My own, of course. I speak for myself.'

'SUrrrrrrrrrre.....'

'Whatever man.'

'I still say the string can be used!' He stood up and began walking over to the dirty little string, his hand reaching out towards it.

Hotrod stood up, but was beat by Ganflad. 'HOCUS POCUS JIGGERY POKERY! YOULL GET CAUGHTY BEING NAUGHTY!" There was a tremor, and everyone's head pounded as Ganflad continued his speech.

" SNOTTY SNOTTY PORTEPOTTY! ONE STRING TO RULE THEM ALL! ONE STRING TO FIND THEM! ONE STRING TO BRING THEM ALL! AND IN THE DARKNESS BIND THEM! LITERALLY!, EH?!?!"

Everybody gasped.

'Never before has anyone uttered the words of that tongue here in I'maladbitch.' Hotrod said.

'My apologies, Lord Hotrod,' Ganflad sat back down, and took a whiff of the cocaine he had in his satchel. 'But the green speech of Canada, may it be heard in every corner of the North.'

There was a pause.

'But that makes no difference then,' Boringme remained unfazed. Mostly. 'What if we were to wield the string against Salmon before he could overpower us?'

'HAVE YOU NO EARS, FUCKER?!' Legolass stood up, hands on hips, and annoyed. 'It has to be destroyed.'

'And I suppose you think you're the one to do it.' Mimli stood up and shoved him.

'Well maybe I do, shortie!' Legolass shoved him back. 'So suck that!'

And naturally, a fist fight erupted, seeing as it is entirely impossible for one to surround themselvses with civilized company nowadays. ...Sheesshhh....

Odorf waited until they had all sufficiently beat each other up and returned to their seats.

Legolass whipped out a hand mirror and fixed his hair. 'I'm gonna kill the fool who did this...' he pointed at his as always shimmering hair.

'Right, well,' Odorf said, breaking the awkward pause. 'I say, how about whoever feels like going to MoreMore can go? One for each race. I'm goin', so long as I'll be home in time for the next Aerosmith concert.'

'Right, me too,' Arahorn said, 'I may yet add to the plot by invoking battle scenarios, taming wild horses, and dramatic love scenes. Count me in.'

He stood by the hobbit.

'And seeing as I have too much time on my hands, and have to take care of a restraining order anyway...'Ganflad offered up his ''services''.

'Well, perhaps I can yet convince you.' Boring me offered.

'And,' Legolass spoke up. "I need to sex up the quest....'

'And you,' Mimli pointed at Ganflad with his axe, 'I have a bone to pick with YOU.'

Bam, Jolly, and Trip ran out of some bushes, muttering something about weed bondage and not going home without Odorf. 'Besides, you need us for comic relief.' Trip offered.

'And to cook breakfast,' Bam added.

'And because when I have to much time on my hands, I'm dangerous, baby!' Jolly put in. 'What say you HotRod?'

'Fine, whatever, just as long as you shut. up.''

::cue LOTR theme song::


	7. Let's Get a ! ing Move ON!

* * *

Here's a story. For you. To read. I own nothing, not even ze man next door. 

A chapter dedicated to my junior friends from school, without whom, I would not have to go to the fecking ring ceremony. :-D

* * *

**_The Lord of the WHAT?!_**

**_The Fellowship of the string_**

_One string to rule them all_

_one string to find them_

_one string to bring them all_

_and in the darkness bind them._

**_

* * *

_**

**_Chapter Seven_**

**_Let's get a !!!!ing Move On!_**

_Dateline: Riverdale, Seven Days Later_

Odorf and Bam were lying on the floor of a balcony mindlessly tossing a hackey-sack between them.

Jolly and Trip were stocking up on dope (and smoking a lot of it) with Gandalf.

Boringme was in HotRod's closet playing dress-up while Mimli was spying on him and taking pictures.

Legolass was having sex.

And Arahorn was being EMOxCORE. He was in dream land thinking about his MOTHER. Placing flowers on his grave, and softly crying out ''Mamma", he was very emo indeed. He was finally interrupted by a familiar face.

'Arahorn.'

'Hey Legolass, what's up?'

'My dick was a minute ago.' Legolas smiled smugly.

'Too many details.' Arahorn shuddered. 'Besides, what would my mother think?'

'Oh maaaaaa, get over yourself already. I'm so outtie. I'll see you tomorrow when we leave....'

'Bye, man.'

_

* * *

Dateline the next day. _

_Sunrise._

Tick.

Tock.

Tick,

Tock.

Ganflad checked his watch. 'He's fucking laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.....it's six o'clock. We were supposed to leave at five for this fucking quest......bastard..."

HotRod rubbed his forehead. 'You know, I was planning a meaningful speech and everything....I'm a very busy man.....'

Arahorn paused a minute. He noticed a face on a balcony- belonging only to the love of his life- Liv Tyler. 'Umm,' he raised his hand. 'I have a question?'

'YESSS?' Ganflad asked through clenched teeth.

'If he's...gone...he may be a while....does that mean....can I-'

'NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Curses," Arahorn muttered.

The fellowship waited another ten minutes. Finally, Legolass came skipping down to them. 'Well, all ready to go, are we? WHEEEEEE!!! I feel pretty oh so-'

::SMACK::

'Ganflad, did you just touch my pretty face?"

'I did and that's just the start of it, assboy! WHERE WERE YOU?!"

'Well...I woke up....did my hair....and then....I figured I had time to aqueeze in a quickie, but that just messed up my hair again, so I redid my hair, only then I realized my socks didn't match soooooooooooooooooo................well, ya know?'

'I know.' Boringme offered his sympathies.

Everyone gave him a strange look that somehow reminded Arahorn of a face HotRod had pulled while drunk at a Christmas party a few winters before.

'No kidding, oh greasy son of Gonboar....'Legolas smirked. 'Dude, you totally have to try my new shampoo its called elven essences and-'

Ganflad whacked him with his staff. 'You PEOPLE! Let's GET A FUCKING MOVE ON ALREADY!!!!''

'MoreMore Ganflad, is it left or right?' Odorf asked.

'Left.'

ANd so Odorf left the group.

HotRod watched them. 'Well, so much for my emotional speech...." And he walked into the castle while shooting up on morphin.

* * *

_Dateline: The Wilderness_

_::Cue LOTR THEME SONG::_

The group passed solemnly out of Riverdale, all sniffling sadly and Mimli occasionally pinching Ganflad's arse.

'I shall miss it, if ever I am to see it again,' Legolass said.

'Yes, if ever we are to see it again,' Arahorn repeated.

Everyone began to cry, being so sad, so Boringme took the lead of the group, seeing as how he did not rmeotely understand or even care. A breeze blew by, and it was cold. A symbol of the colness and darkness yet before the group.

After a few minutes, however, Boringme noticed that all the crying and sniffling had stopped. He curiously turned around to take a look at his companions and saw that they were standing before him and watching him in the most peculiar fashion. Trip and Jolly looked slightly more stoned than one would normally think physically impossible. Odorf looked like he'd just tied the string around his own dick too tightly, Bam seemed as if he'd just had a sharp object shoved up his-

And that was just the hobbits.

Arahorn was purring, Ganflad was flexing his arms, and Mimli was no long attached to his ass.

Boringme realized what was going on. '...shit.'' He suddenly realized he should never have stolen HotRod's deoderant spray. His companions stared at him lustily.

A whisper 'axe' was heard.

They inched towards him, led by Legolass, who was smoothing down his hair, and muttering something about the magic of elves and not having any sex for over an hour.

'....damn....'

Meanwhile, Odorf was having a flashback to his last day at Riverdale.

* * *

:::cue fairy music:::

_''Now here's something snazzy,"_ _Dildo announced joyfully, after several minutes of bending over (giving a rather unpleasant view) into a trunk and rummaging around while Odorf stood around, and whistled during the awkward silences._

_Finally he pulled something out.  It was shiny and puffy and it made Odorf giggle._

_''WOW...'' he gasped like a little boy who has had his first erection.  "A wonderbra!!!"_

_"THANKS UNCLE!" Odorf cried, hugging his new..err...garment to his chest, and hugging his uncle-the gifter- afterwards.  Dildo was pleased that his nephew liked it._

_"It's a pretty little thing.  Saved me many a time when I really had the need.  See, the B cup is just right for you, I think. ANd see," He got rather excited now, "it's a push-up bra, so the padding will protect your rather pathetic hobbitish pectoral in battle."_

_Odorf didn't know what to say. "Gee whiiiiz...." he sighed._

_"Well...don't just stand there, Put it on.'' Dildo said.  Odorf didn't need to be told twice.  He stripped down to his wifebeater and put the wonderbra! on.  It was a little tight, Dildo noticed. But then, his eye caught hold of a prettier thing, much prettier than the view of a hobbit struggling with a Victoria's Secret product._

_THe string._

_Tied in a knot, and hanging from Odorf's ear (his left was pierced when he decided he wanted to be punk like Sid Vicous-this was in the eighties, of course) was the one string._

_''Gaspo!" Dildo cried. "YOu still have that string I gave you for your birthday.  I didn't think I'd ever see it agian, thought I'd lost it." HIs short term memory was failing him as he was growing rapidly older without the eternal youth effect of the string._

_"Well, duh. I have to...err...have it resized..." Odorf didn't like the look in his uncle's eye._

"_I should very much like to wear it again."_

_'Uncle..." Odorf backed up._

_Without warning, Dildo's face contorted and for a moment he seemed a monster and not the calm, fat, niceifsomewhatsexuallydepraved Shmireling he was._

_He realized what he'd done and began to cry.  _

_Odorf put a hand on his shoulder. "It's alright, Uncle. I'm going to destroy it."_

_"It's all my fault...''_

_''No, Uncle...''_

_''Now I'm going to have to be emo for the rest of my days...''_

_''Dildo...."_

_"I should just slit my-'_

_''SHUT UP FUCKER!!'_

_"I-"_

_smack _

_Dildo righted himself. "THank you, m'boy. NOw, about that snazzy thing..." He went back to rummaging and pulled out...a weapon.  He handed it to Odorf, who swung it around-that psoer- acting like he'd taken fencing lessons all along._

_"So this," he seemed unimpressed, "this is a sword?...and here I thought It was a butterknife.(c)"_

_"It is a butterknife, you fool!''_

_"OH.''_

_"That's for fine dining and pot luck suppers. This...'' Dildo pulled something from the trunk. "THIS is a sword."_

_Odorf was blinded by its beauty. 'Wow...' He was as amazed at this as at his wonderbra!._

_"It's a handy thing, really, it plays the Harry Potter theme song when enemies are about,"_

_''Neat..."_

_"Neat? That's all you can say, 'neat?'"Dildo demanded._

_"Well, what do you expect, ELTON JOHN, a candle in the wind?"_

_''...fuck off."_

_"Fine, I will. I"m going to MOreMOre."_

_"Fine, mofo. And good luck, don't lose me string!"_

_Odorf shook his head in disappointment and left the room to pack for his trip._

* * *

Meanwhile, Back at the ranch...

Odorf burst out of his reverie when Ganflad say they would stop for coffee.

Sam sputtered. "But we haven't a-'' he was about to say coffee pot, when he suddenly walked into a wall. A wall of a Starbucks that is.

"This may be the last one we ever see," Aragorn said solemnly. 

"Well, I need a frappacino, so BACK OFF!!" Legolass cleared the way with his arms, rushing in, making an order, and taking a dash to the toilet, because he had to (and I quote) "potty".

Adventures were to be had.  Chaos ensued, as can be expected.

Mimli stole and broke Legolass' hair straightener when he tried to use it on his beard.  This almost led to hand-to-axe combat but Ganflad broke it up when Mimli pulled on Legolass' hair and Legolass called him ugly.

It likely would have gotten uglier. 

After Starbucks, it was back on the road, with only the nine of them, and Will the pony.

TO BE CONTINUED....

* * *

_(c) This belongs to Molly Rooney. copyright, 2003._


	8. The Ass of Karadrass! Almost

**_The Lord of the WHAT?!_**

**_The Fellowship of the String_**

_One string to rule them all_

_one string to find them_

_one string to bring them alll_

_and in the darkness bind them._

_literally.

* * *

**Chapter Eight**_

**The Ass of Karadrass...Almost**

* * *

When last we met, the fellowship was at Starbucks. But such indulgences can not last forever, so the companions had to soldier on. 

They passed through great plains, and woodsalong their way, heading in a south eastish direction. Through rain, sleet and unbearable sun they trekked tirelessly, stopping only briefly for sleep and small amounts of what Bam could hardly call sustenance. But Bam wasa fathobbit and anything less than a leg of muttonevery five minutes was not enough sustenance to keep his thighs chunky.

But alas, the tired group passed through all the perilous perils and dangerous dangers, walking on the feet thatcarried them, they reached the Ass of Karadrass.

'We're here,' Ganflad cried cheerfully as they reached a mountain. 'From here you can see the Ass of Karadrass!!"

'Ass?' Boringme scratched his greasy head indeed he had notbathed for many days. 'Don't you mean pass?'

''hmm,'' Legolass rubbed his chin animatedly, smelling of Elven essences and traces of Axe body spray. 'That is curious.'

'No, you fools,'Ganflad put his hands on his hips. 'I mean ass. NOw,' he put his staff down ona rock upon the cliff, and took a seat upon said rock for the rock was large enough to seat awizard. 'Why don't we take a wee rest?'

'No, let's go on a while longer,' Arahorn said. 'This hill is all snow. Let's go on to those rocks up there.'

Ganflad looked on ahead. 'Alright, let us go on.'

The fellowship moved on, trekking through the snow patiently. Suddenly, all of a sudden, and without warning, Odorf tripped and rolled backwards on the snow. As he fell, he felt the string drop. He got up, and felt around for it in his pockets, but it was not there. 'The stirng,' he muttered. 'where-'

He heard a sound, like the sound of someone picking up a string, and Odorf looked up to see Boringme holding it and looking at it with unmistakable fascination. 'It is odd, that so much doubt and fear should be caused by such a little thing, such a siny thing."

'BORINGME!' Arahorn cried, and Boringme fell out of his trance. He looked at Odorf, who stared back at him with a curious expression on his face. Boringme reliquished the string and Odorf snatched it back. Boringme turned around to walk ahead, noticing that Arahorn had unsheated his sword. Was he really that much of an enemy?

Boringme shook out his wedgie and moved on forward.

* * *

Indeed the rest was well deserved. The company spent most of the day on the rocks. Drinking rum, playing cards, sharpening swords, picking flowers, cooking, serenading.... 

'Ahh!.......' Legolass grumbled. 'I"m so hooooooooooooorny.........' He rubbed his temples. 'I haven't had sex in ten dayss.....'

'Oh be quiet,' Bam grumbled. 'At least you're not a virgin like Mr. Odorf here.'

'HEY!'

'...sorry.'

'You people don't get it...' Legolass grumbled, now rolling upon the earth like an eggroll. 'It's ...like withdrawal.' And with that he began to cackle evilly. And Loudly. So loudly in fact that a flock of nearby BadBirds- also called crows- heard him. The birds were aviatory spies sent by Sara, who wanted revenge on Ganflad for his unfaithfulness.

And the birds began to swarm in the direction of the cackling, assuming it was the orgasmic giggles of Mimli or the beige wizard.

Sara would be pleased to hear what terrible tragedy befell the couple on their romantic weekend.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the rock, Broingme was patrolling, having just got out of a scramble with Arahorn, Jolly and Flippin. 

Boringme had been attempting to teach them some basic movements of self defence. Especially since he put little faith in the reach of their arms. But Flippin, in losing a pretend duel, began to suspect Boringme of cheating. As if he needed to cheat. So Flip and Jolly began a fight with them, and Arahorn joined in. Not for fun.

But he wanted to beat Boringme up.

Further to the left, Legolass was rolling around hornily while Odorf giggled and Bam tittered his disapproval. Mimli was picking flowers, and Ganflad was smoking some weed.

It was quite peaceful, except for the occasional shrieks of the woodland resident of Smirkwood, and Broingme took a patrol out of boredom. Suddenly, he realized something was not quite right.

'Something is not quite right,' he said.

'What's that, man?' Ganflad looked up from his joint. 'I like...can't hear ya, man, youknow? You should, youknow, talk louder, alright?' (he often talked like a hippy when stoned).

'There's something in the sky.'

'CHAA, dude!' Legolass looked up, 'it's called a cloud, you imbecile!'

'Dude, clouds aren't black and bird shaped.'

'They can be.'

'No they can't.'

'OK, they can't.'

'Well,' Boringme tapped his foot in annoyance, 'what do your elven eyes see?'

Legolass got up, and limped over to the spot where his comrade was standing. His pupils dilated in alarm. 'BADBIRDS FROM LONDON!!" he cried.

Ganflad shrieked in surprise and dropped his joint, as everybody else scurried about to hide the traces of their presence, hiding in bushes, under rocks, putting out campfires, recollecting the dropped joint, etc.

The badbirds flew into view, storming about the air like a storm. They flew over the bushes and plants and rocks, and whatever else one typically finds on a cliff, but whatever there is, the Badbirds flew over it. Suddenly, the leader of the badbirds stopped, and called out to the others in Birdese, a dialect similar to a cross between Japanese and Polish.

'CAWCAW! KONICHIWAHOLADZIENDOBRY! I have found summat. It is...a JOINT!'

The other badbirds stared at their leader, who was indeed holding a joint.

'damniknewiforgotone,' Ganflad muttered under his breath from his hiding spot.

'CAWCAW! Let's show this to Sara! CAWCAW SAJANORADOWIDZENIAADIOS!'

And with that, the leader flew off in an eastish direction, followed closely by his band of compatriots.

* * *

'Well, that was a close one,' Ganflad stood up, out from under a bush. He dusted himself off. 

--murderous looks from the fellowship--

'...umm....it was an accident....?'

--sound of viciously fierce punching of flesh--

* * *

'Well,' Arahorn said, wiping the blood off his hands. 'We best get skidaddling, if we want to get anywhere. The badbirds will soon reach Sara. And If they saw Mimli snogging GAnflad, godknows what Sara will bring unto us.' 

Mimli blushed.

'Yes,' we best get to the Ass quickly then, or Sara will have too much opportunity to plague us,...with bAAADD THINGS.....' Legolass said mysteriously.

Flippin put away the book about the French Revolution he'd been reading in German. 'Well,' he said in his familar Billy Boyd-like Scottish accent even though he was from the Shmire, 'let us get going then before the fabulous gay men get us.'

'Sounds like a plan,' Odorf said somewhat sadly, trudging along with the rest of the group as they moved along, inching closer and closer to the Ass of Karadrass.


	9. Alas, the Ass

Here's a story. For you. To read. A general LOTR parody.

Note: I own nothing, not even the man next door.

WOOHOO!! Also, I took the trouble to Edit chapters two and six. So...chaa!!!

REVIEW!!!

**LORD OF THE WHAT?!**

**The Fellowship of the String**

**Chapter One**

_One string to rule them all_

_One string to find them_

_One string to bring them all_

_And in the darkness bind them_

_Literally._

* * *

_**Chapter Nine**_

_**Alas, the Ass**_

* * *

The company soldiered on, pretending they were soldiers, climbing the altitudes of the mountain. Until at last the Ass of Karadrass was in plain detailed view, even in the hobbits' eyes. 

'Wow,' gasped Trippin, 'it really looks like an ass!'

Ganflad looked up at the Twin peaks of the mountains which curved to look like an actual arse. 'Yes, excellent observation, my dear hobbit,' he chuckled, shading his eyes with his hand for a better view. 'In fact, Sir Mixalot shot his baby got back video here.'

'Ganflad,' Boringme said, 'I didn't know you were a hiphop fan.'

'I'm not, but I auditioned for the video.'

looks from the group>

Arahorn sniggered. "So.. snigger>..did you get in?'

'No,' Ganflad replied sadly. 'They said my arse was too tight. I'd make the girls look bad.'

'I"m very :::snigger::: sorry to hear that. I can only ::snort:: imagine your :::chortle::: pain....'

'Oh fuck off. Let's get a bleeding move on.'

And move on they did. They moved on through the path at an excellent pace until....it started to snow. An unexpected storm delayed them. Arahorn and Boringme used their shields to shovel through it when it became apparent that the hobbits couldn't move, and would soon freeze their nutsacs off.

Of course, Legolass (termed endearingly Lego-ass when he had EMPMS-elven man pms) cheerfully skipped off on top of the snow, not sinking at all thanks to his trusty boots, and singing something about bringing back the sun. Much to the chagrin of Boringme and Arahorn, who could have used his help.

Meanwhile, Ganflad and Mimli set about building an igloo for the hobbits (and themselves). They gathered snow to make it, labouring hard, of course. Fifteen minutes in, they were already bored.

Mimli huffed.. 'hey...I'm cold.'

'ditto.'

'Wanna have a snog?'

'Shh....not in front of the Halflings.'

Mimli mumbled again. 'Oh dear god. They're so stoned they wouldn't care.'

And they continued with their igloo.

Legolass returned, looking a little ''flushy'' in the cheeks.

'You look a bit ''flushy'' in the cheeks, there, Legolass,'' Arahorn looked at him suspiciously.

'yeah, where were you,' Ganflad put his hands on his hips.

'...nowhere...' Legolass stood accused, and made a befuddled face. At such accusations, he was aghast. 'I'm aghast,' he said. 'Where do you think I went?'

'Where do all sex addicted elves go?'

'In a corner to masturbate?'

Arahorn looked at Legolass veeeery suspiciously. The elf put his hands in the air. " I didn't. The hands are clean....oh, look, an igloo. My, this is some fine architecture...'

'WHERE WERE YOU?' Arahorn demanded of his friend.

'A...a...a brothel....'Legolass shook his head in shame.

'a **WHAT?!"**

Legolass made an elf face. Basically a puppy face, only no whiskers. His eyes grew as large as Elijah Wood's and his lower dropped. If Arahorn had been a teenage girl, or ...not a stout resistant ranger, he'd have been quite horny at this moment.

However, he wasn't. 'next time...NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT....I'MA GONNA...'

Legolass flinched...'you'rea gonna what....?..."

'I'ma gonna touch your hair-'

**'NO!!!"**

'Oh...wanna bet, pretty boy? In fact,' Arahorn reached out a hand....

But alas, before he even could lay a finger on the elf's fine locks, Ganflad was heard saying, "Wait.'

Arahorn stopped, and heard something in the distance. 'There is a fell voice on the air,' He announced.

'IT'S SARAAAAA!!!!' Ganflad cried out....

In fact, he cried out so loud, that the mountain began to shake. As it shook, no sooner did the members of the fellowship look up, they were pelted and weighed down with copious amounts of....

"OOF!!'

'ARRRR!!'

'AHHH!!!"

'EEEPPP!!!!"'

....fruit loops.

* * *

mumbles> 

'Wut should we do?' Trippin # muttered.

'Legolass,' Ganflad said, 'use your JAWS OF DOOM...'

'righto.'

Legolass head sprang up from the piles of fruit loops. He looked around, and listened for the disquieting grunts and complaints of his comrades. Taking a second to collect himself, he began to chomp upon them with his JAWS OF DOOM.

He swam through all the cereal and ate it until finally, he had freed his companions.

They all popped out of the fruit loop avalanche, collected themselves and then Ganflad commanded them to return to the igloo to sort out a plan for continuation of action.

They returned to the igloo, where Bam had gotten a campfire going, and put on a kettle of tea....'Oh damn it,' Boringme muttered. 'The fire's gone out."

* * *

Hours later.... 

They all settled down for a wee rest, Which took a while, when a bloated Legolass got his hips stuck in the entrance of the igloo, and ended up pacing around complaining with a tire of snow around his waist for an hour.

'Well,' Boringme emerged from the igloo, and stretched, having just woken up from a beauty rest, 'I say we best shake a leg, eh? Because that Sara of the Technicolour Dreamcoat is some jealous bitch, eh Ganflad?'

'Yeah, no kidding.'

'Of course,' Arahorn grumbled, 'it's not like you aren't a horny bahstahrd & and that your...behaviours...with Mimli so totally did not get us into this.'

'yeah,' Odorf stamped his foot, 'it is all YOUR fault that I'm the virgin sacrifice around here.' His lip quivered. 'In fact, it's no fair at all! Why can't...Legolass be the string wearer and get killed? Why can't he be the sacrifice?!"

'Because,' Legolass brushed his hair aside as he put down his hand mirror, 'I'm a slut and you're not.'

'Oh please. What have you got that I don't?'

'Well, for one thing....a little junk in the trunk.'

**:::gasps:::**

'Okay, yes, let's get skidaddling, eh?' Boringme started picking up the camp. 'yes, I think that would be a smart idea.'

Arahorn grumbled in response. He pulled Legolass away from ogling his reflection. 'Come on, Fabio, let's get packing.'

Legolass grumbled his agreement, and soon, the fellowship was ready to get moving again.

And yet again, they soldiered on, pretending they were soldiers. Except Arahorn was a soldier. But mayhaps he didn't know it yet. Because he was too busy being emo. And thinking of his one and only love. He thought about for hours, as the quiet group travelled on in quite a quiet manner of quiet travel.

Arahorn found himself wrapped up in the wrappings up of his love, and lost focus for a while. Soon forgetting about the quest entirely, he lost concentration completely- and regained it only when he found himself buried in six feet of snow.

He groaned. 'What happened?' he asked in a flat tone. 'Did the hobbits bury me in my sleep again?'

'No,' replied a muffled voice somewhere in the distance. 'It was Sara.' Arahorn recognized it as Mimli.

'...you're kidding.'

'He realized fruit loops weren't good enough.'

'...Go fuck yourself, Ganflad,' Arahorn said to nobody in particular.

'Though it seems someone beat you to that,' Legolass replied.

'Three guesses who,' Mimli muttered bitterly.

'Oh come on,' said another muffled voice, 'it's not that bad. They were in love.'

:::blinks:::

'We know that was you, Ganflad,' Legolass muttered.

'Well....we can get out of this, gents...'

:::silence:::

'Well, I'm a WIZARD!!!'

Everybody bursts into cackles and arguments over what to to explode.

Alas, after several hours of being buried in the snow, and after all the hobbits developed hypothermia, the fellows of the fellowship somehow managed to free themselves of the snow.

However, this helped little, seeing as they could hardly move through it.

'This is impossible to trek through,' Arahorn called out to Ganflad, as the wizard led the company.

'No it's not,' Ganflad said, watching Arahorn pull a hobbit out from under a snow bank as the ranger was buried shoulder deep.

'Dude, no,' Boringme said. 'We should go through the Gap of Roman!'

'But that will take us too close to ISENHARD!!" Arahorn protested.

'I have a better idea yet!' Mimli said. 'We could go through the Mines of MamaMia. My cousin Ballin would give us a royal welcome.'

'Dude, no,' Legolass grunted, 'I ain't goin' in no spidery cave where I'm gonnamah hair messed up!'

'Chill out, gents!'Ganflad smiled. 'Let the string wearer decide.'

Odorf looked around at the patheticfaces of his companions, Ganflad's joints, the snow, his feet, the string, Legolass' arse....and finally he decided. 'We willgo through the Mines.'

* * *

#Yes, he is Trippin. Not Flippin, but Trippin. Oh well, he's the hobbit of a thousand faces.... 

&There's a joke behind the odd spelling of bastard.


	10. The Mimes of MamaMia

Author's Note: PHEW, it's been a while. But now, to carry on...

Note: I own nothing, not even the man next door.

* * *

**_The Lord of the WHAT!_**

**_The Fellowship of the String_**

_One string to rule them all_

_One string to find them_

_One string to bring them all_

_and in the darkness bind them._

_Literally._

* * *

**Chapter Whatsit...ten?**

**The Mimes...of MamaMia.**

* * *

_'We will go through the mines,' Said Odorf._

'...uhhhhhh...fine,' Ganflad snapped.

'Ewgross,' Legolass complied/complained, 'it's gonna be humid inside those little dwarfy caves, and that is SO gonna ruin my hair.'

'...be quiet,' Mimli grumbled, for lack of a comeback. Some of the others sniggered, but Ganflad led them on, through the snow and fruit loops and whatnot, until they reached a clear side of the mountain.

And for a little change of pace, they walked some more.

He walked quite a ways ahead of the group, not want to be involved in their immature conversations. Of course, after a while, Odorf himself felt weary of the talks about hair, women, men, Colin Farell, and poptarts, so he raced ahead (as much as a hobbit can race) and caught up with his wizard friend.

Ganflad leaned on the little one's shoulder. ...well, more like rested his hand on the hobbit's shoulder. 'How are you my lad?'

'Bored? When will we reach the caves?'

'...soon. Meanwhile, I think it's time for some suspicious conversation related to espionage and the string.'

'Oh goodie,' Odorf rubbed his hands together- not because he was interested, but he was cold. After all, he'd nearly had his nutsac frozen off back at the Ass.

'Yeah, well,' Ganflad lowered his voice, 'that Boringme is kind of a loser...'

'yeah, he needs a life.'

'Plus also, he wants the string.'

'GAsp!' Odorf gasped. 'No way!'

'Chaa! Way.' the wizard replied. 'he may yet take it, so watch out. He's not evil...he's just...disturbed.'

'Yeah, what a dork.'

'Now, don't say that, my dear hobbit. That might hurt his feelings.'

'...he's a dork.'

Meanwhile, Boringme walked by. 'OMFG, are you guys talking about me? I KNEW IT. YOU WERE. YOU GUYS ALL HATE ME! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! FINE, GO AHEAD WITH YOUR MOCKING GAMES AND MAKE ME CRY. I DON'T CARE! BREAK MY TEACUP HEART WHILE YOU'RE AT IT AND STEAL ALL MY HANSON CD'S, WHY DONTCHA? ...I'M GOING TO RUN OFF AND CRY! BECAUSE I'M **EMO.'**

'Oh don't do that, Boringme,' Ganflad tried to consol him.

'Why shouldn't I?'

'I have a caaaaaaaaaaake...'

'Really?'

'No.'

'Fuck off.'

'Why I oug-hey, we've reached the Caves.'

Ganflad walked along a cavern wall, running his staff alongside it. He passed into a passage, and walked onto a walkway, as the company followed his lead. They walked for a while, until it grew dark...er...than it had been...before...it was dark.

Anyways, it was dark and that it dark enough for us, no? So it was dark, and they walked, while Ganflad searched for the wall, which wasn't easy to do. In the dark.

'Dward walls are invisible...'Mimli chuckled. 'But behind those walls there's beer and festivities and women.'

'Women?' Legolass' ears perked up. 'Too good to be true. They msut be bearded, eh?'

'eh he...he he he...' Mimli chuckled. 'yeah...well...the walls...'he tried to justify...'they're so well made their own master can't find them.'

'Why doesn't that surprise me?' Legolass smirked.

Mimli growled and tightened his grip on his axe. LEgolass grabbed an arrow. Arahorn stepped between them. 'Honestly, you two, why do you hate eachother? Legolass, why do you look down on Mimli?'

'...He's short,' legolass said flatly, with an eye that said, '...dumbass.'

'OH...well...Mimli...why do you look down on...oh nevermind...I don't even care. I was just trying to sound smart.' Arahorn gave up and walked away.

'Alas,' he heard Ganflad cry, 'the walls.' Ganflad whispered something they couldn't hear, and the cavern wall lit up in a beautiful pattern.

'OH MY GOD!' Bam cried. 'IT'S A GIANT PORTRAIT OF MACAULAY CAULKIN!'

'yeah, we dwarves are big fans of Party Monster,' Mimli said proudly.

Ganflad read the inscription on the wall. 'It says...in the Dwarvish...Speak nicely and enter. Ah, it's a password. Luckily, I am an intelligent and fabulous gay man who will know everything and I will say the password right now and we can go in! SKRINKLADA!' he cried like a ferocious fairy.

Nothing happened.

Flippin let out an exasperated smirk. After a few tries, he asked, 'What are you going to do now, since you suck?'

'I'm going to stick a monster up your parasol if you don't shut UP!' the annoyed wizard reproached him in a Tolkien-esque reproach befitting a gay magician.

Flippin got bored and decided to toss fruit loops into the pond he was standing near. A few tosses in, someone stopped him in the process of his fourth toss. Arahorn.

'Don't disturb the water.'

'That's not water. It's pudding.'

'Oh. Well. Don't disturb the pond of pudding. It's called Pudding Pond and they say that someone lies beneath the pudding. Something you don't want to see.'

'Michael Jackson?'

'Who knows?' Arahorn turned his attentions to the guessing of the password into the caves. The Caves of MamaMia.

Legolass was kissing his reflection in a mirror. Boringme was writing poetry. Bam was teasing the horse, Jolly was watching, and Odorf was watching Ganflad's struggle.

Suddenly, the little hobbit jumped up and shrieked. 'It's a riddle!'

Ganflad looked up. 'How'd you figure that out?'

'I read it in a book once...something by some Token guy...'

'AND YOU ONLY MENTIONED IT NOW!'

'Sh...you're ruining my dramatic effect. It's a riddle. You simply have to say a synonym for nice. Quick, what's a synonym for nice?'

'...marvellous?' Mimli offered.

'Super?' Bam answered.

'I got it!' Ganflad cried. 'FABULOUS!'

And the doors opened at his word. Everyone stood in front of them, not because they were in awe, but because they wanted dramatic effect. After all, it had been very boring lately and they needed some drama.

Legolass stopped tonguing his reflection. 'I guess that means we can go in n-'

'OW!' Odorf screamed as something bit his leg. 'ARAHORN!'

Arahorn, and everybody else turned around.

'OH MY GOD!' Arahorn shrieked. 'ITS MICHAEL JACKSON!'

this is followed by some appropriately timed shrieks and scurrying about in panic

'Quick, where's a little boy?' Boringme rushed to strategy.

'I don't know...throw a hobbit at him!' Mimli replied.

'I have an idea!' Legolass said. He bravely walked up to Odorf where Michael Jackson was still chewing on his ankle.

Legolass flipped his hair. 'Hellooooooooooo, Michael,' he said in a seductive voice. 'It's so nice to meet you. I love allllll your songs. Especially man in the mirror (sniggers are appropriate at this witty use of wit and pun)."

Michael looked up briefly and returned to Odorf's fleshy cankle.

All of a sudden, Legolass began to fume. Suddenly, he seemed thrice his normal size. His voice boomed as he shrieked, 'HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU NOT GET AN ERECTION AT THE SIGHT OF ME!' And with that, he threw a mighty bitchslap at the singer, causing him to cry out in pain, and let go of the hobbit's ankle.

Odorf used this brief distraction to run, as did the entrie fellowship. They ran into the caves and shut the door behind them, before Jacko could follow in his hot pursuit.

* * *

It was dark. Even darker than darker than when it had orignally been dark enough to apply to the definiton of dark.

So it was pretty dark.

'Eep,' said Arahorn. 'I don't like the dark.'

'He he, little one, I shall likght a lamp,' Ganflad said merrily, and he lit a torch attached to his staff. Everyone ooh'ed and ahh'ed.

'Swiss army staff,' Ganflad smirked. 'Nifty, ain't it? Well, gents, have a look around at the glory of...oh my...'

Mimli began to shriek. What had once been the grandeur of his country, was now rubble with dead dwarfs everywhere. Legolass spotted something. He picked it up off the floor. It was a beret. 'Mimes,' he spat in disgust and dropped the little French hat.

'Hmm,' Ganflad said, 'we best be on our guard then and not attract attention.'

'So that means no karaoke?' Flippin asked.

Bam put his CD's away, disappointed.

'Mimes of MamaMia, eh?' Legolass smirked.

'Fuck off,' Mimli grumbled.


End file.
